After some very intense months in which I experienced the loss of my soul mate and husband Jan, being confronted with his ex-wife who didn’t respect my grieving process and caused drama including projecting her anger on me, Jan’s friend who put pressure on me because he went into the drama of Jan’s ex-wife, the administration round Jan’s passing and getting all contracts of the daily necessary things as gas, electricity and phone in my name, recovery of my own surgery, finding a new house and moving, the administration round my move, and settling in in my new place, I am just tired.
My body gave me a lot of signs like a very low level of iron, just feeling tired even after a night of sleep, not feeling in the mood for sports or even walking. But after my move and having handed in the keys of my previous house, I could finally let go of all the stress from the last months. I constantly knew that I had to move as the last thing on the To-Do-List. Our house would be for sale at the end of the year and we had a construction site in our garden after Jan’s passing. Our house didn’t have privacy anymore with builders and painters around it constantly.
It’s quite a project to move from a large house for four people to a house for two people. All the stuff of Jan I had to go through and the same for Lois’ (his daughter) stuff. She wasn’t staying with us from two weeks after Jan’s passing. Her mum didn’t respect my grieving process and caused drama that was accompanied with a lot of anger and negativity. I set my boundaries and protected them. I choose love in my life and there’s no place for negativity. If that meant to not have my stepdaughter to come to our house anymore, so be it. I have explained to Lois clearly that she’s always welcome to visit us, but that there’s no place for negativity in our lives. She will find the connection to her heart and know her truth, and one day act upon that. We send her a lot of loving energy and ask the angels to guide her. Love is always the answer to the best solution.
I also found out people judge about my choice, even have put pressure on me trying to make me change my decision. I sticked with what I had discussed with Jan and what feels as our truth in my heart. That’s the only way I could live with myself. I’m the only one who has discussed all details with Jan. He told a few tiny pieces to others (mostly to reassure and comfort them) but nobody has the whole picture, except me. This situation made me decide to not trust anyone with inside information and keep everything for myself. I wanted to prevent more drama. It has been hard to handle all this after Jan’s passing. It felt very lonely to have to deal with all this alone during what was meant to be grieving time. There was no time for me to really grieve, because of all the stress caused by others. It’s great to receive Jan’s confirmation that he’s still very proud of me and how I’m dealing with everything.
Before my move, I had to make all decisions what to sell, throw or give away or keep and I used my connection with Jan a lot for this. On the day of my move I was so tired, that I just stood in the kitchen holding the kitchen bench and said to the wonderful people who helped me: “I am breaking. I can’t think anymore. I can’t move anymore. I’m exhausted. I completely trust you. Do whatever you think is the handiest for me and when I’m back again, I’ll go from there. I am just so grateful for your help.” Universe has sent me really amazing people on my path and without them, I couldn’t have realised all this. I’m very aware of this.
Then our wedding anniversary came on 11th November, and symbolically on that day I returned all Lois’ stuff to her that I had saved and collected for her. With everything to keep for her, I had felt in my heart if it would have a special meaning or a memory to Jan for her. After delivering everything, I felt emotions when driving back home and I shared with Esmee that I felt Lois had a piece of Jan back into her life again. That night Jan confirmed that this was his message to me (by giving me those feelings in the car) and that I had received his message right. The action Jan suggested to help me ‘celebrate’ our wedding anniversary, helped me tremendously that day. There were so many people participating in lighting a candle as a remembrance for our love and the intention to share this love with the world. Jan thanks everyone who participated.
Don’t forget the financial stress after Jan’s passing. I’m a sole trader and dependent of clients to come for treatment or a session. If I don’t have a client, I don’t earn an income. But the world is based on paying your bills anyway, even though you didn’t have a client. And when you’re feeling tired and sad, there’s still the urge to earn an income. It’s my intention to provide a safe, healthy and happy life for myself and Esmee and I will definitely proof to myself that I can do that. I’m still in the modus of stress, being busy, running forward, no time to stop. But… I have no deadlines anymore. I can relax now. I have to use the button of slowing down and stop. Taking time to heal my body and my heart.
My heart is hurt, maybe broken or torn apart is a better word. I miss Jan, my soul mate. I came to Australia to marry him and become old with him. To live our dreams, to travel and see Australia. The dream only came true partially. But the time we had together, was wonderful. I am grateful for everything we experienced, also the last intense month together. I was honoured to be there for him, to help, support and encourage him. Now it’s time for my healing. I need to reprogram myself to take me-time every day, to meditate and channel with my guides and angels (including Archangel Michael). And I need to take time to heal my heart. To release all hurt and pain, to only take with me to 2016 the beautiful memories about our magical soul connection and marriage. The memories of a man who’s always in my heart. And I’m very grateful that I can still connect and communicate with him and receive his messages. He’s still helping, guiding and supporting me. He’s not gone. He’s just taken on a different form.