Grief in loving memoryThis month it’s a year ago my husband Jan crossed over to heaven. I’ve had a very challenging year with lots of changes and personal growth and I’d like to share what I discovered and experienced. Maybe it helps you when you’re in a grieving process of a departed loved one, or in some other way.

A year ago in this week my husband was already very ill, couldn’t keep any food inside and finally went to hospital, because nothing we tried helped him to improve to being healthy again. It was a time of literally facing death in his eyes, although we were still hopeful and expecting a miracle to happen.

I found out that the moment of receiving his diagnosis that doctors couldn’t save him anymore, was the point that the door of all our dreams together was shut in one second. No dreams, no future together, he would leave pretty soon, I would be in Australia with two kids, no family in the same country. Devastation. The doctor wanted me to decide for Jan, but I believed that Jan had to make that decision about his life himself. He was still conscious and having a clear mind. Every human has free will, so he had do decide what he wanted. I thought I’d knew what he would choose and I would find out if I was right about his wishes. I decided to tell him myself what the doctor had said. We cried many tears. He immediately said he wanted to become a palliative care patient. He wanted to go home as soon as possible and he wanted to be comfortable and pain free. We informed family and his mum, sister and brother would book a flight as soon as possible to come over and say their final goodbyes. A new phase started. I knew what would come soon and it was so overwhelming to think about that. We decided to only look forward day by day. To live in the present. I still slept home, but soon I woke up in the middle of the night with Jan saying in my mind ‘I’m ready to go’. I decided to stay fulltime in hospital with him from that day on. Jan wanted me to do as much as possible for him; being with him when he was washed, he wanted me to feed him or put all types of creams on his skin. I kept an eye on his equipment and felt responsible to stand up for him and his needs. I had already been his ‘voice’ since he arrived in hospital, because he couldn’t speak properly anymore caused by his weak physical condition. On the night his family would arrive, he thought he wouldn’t make it and I was giving him healing the whole day, talking him through every minute to stay with us so he could say goodbye to his family. It was a difficult day, and such a relief when his family arrived and they could hold each other. Lots of emotions that night. And a happy ending for that day.

When Jan came home the next day as a palliative care patient, I was his carer. It was a huge responsibility and very overwhelming with all medication and things to think about. No privacy in our house anymore, no space for me to sit down and integrate what was happening. I had to be strong for Jan, for our daughters, for his family. There was no time for me. With what I know now, I can share that I completely lost myself in July 2015. I forgot to take care of me, I couldn’t feel my needs anymore, and I just had to continue day by day with what needed to be done. Lots of emotions again about my carer role; doing what I was told to do and then hearing that I had done something wrong, which later turned out I had done correctly. I was an emotional mess.

Jan and I decided to organise a big Celebrate Life Party and spread the news through social media. I slept on a mattress on the dining table next to Jan’s bed. He wanted me to stay with him constantly. The next morning when we woke up, he said he thought this was the time to leave. I sat next to his bed with my head on his chest for more than an hour, nobody knew what was going on. Jan said he saw the light but he couldn’t go yet. He was afraid to lose our strong connection. The party was a huge success. At the end of the party Jan decided it was enough and he wanted to be sedated. He could only communicate by blinking his eyes as a ‘yes’ answer. I will never forget his mum saying goodbye before Jan got sedated and crying that she was supposed to be the one to leave, not him. Everyone was with his/her own emotions, but it felt that no one understood where I was in this process. I was about to lose my husband, my anchor, the reason I emigrated to Australia with my daughter, to be together with him and to become old with him. All our dreams wouldn’t come true anymore. I was the one left behind soon, and I would have to deal with that situation. I would miss him in my daily life. I would miss my true love. I finally found true love, and I had to let it go. What was universe doing? Why couldn’t my true love stay? Wasn’t I supposed to be happy with him for a very long time? Why not? Did I do something wrong? Why did I deserve this? I completely accepted that Jan’s soul had chosen this life on earth with his lessons, and this departure. I understood that on soul level we had agreed before coming to this life, to be together and for me to help him cross over after having experienced what true love is and feels like. But with what was happening in my life right now, I unconsciously lost my faith in universe. Not so handy when you work with universe…

Two nights later I woke up with an unbearable pain in my lower tummy. I didn’t want to leave Jan to go to hospital, but I couldn’t walk anymore, so I had too. I knew I needed surgery, but I didn’t know for what. I was aware that he could cross over when I was in hospital, so before I left, I said a short goodbye to him. The ambulance ride was a reverse of everything we had been through. He had been the patient, and now I was the patient. I knew the emergency department and how they work, too well. There was no bed available, so I had to sit in a chair. I was nausea of the pain and couldn’t sit longer. I started to faint from the pain. After x-rays and a scan doctors saw a big cyst on my ovary. I would be operated the next day. I was in pain and morphine didn’t really help. I remember I told my sister, who had arrived in the meantime for my support, I could feel the morphine going to my brain and I said I felt high but still felt the pain in my lower tummy, and I was still clear in my mind. I stayed in hospital only 50 hours. Doctors understood I had to go back home. Jan was still alive. I was happy he was still there, but I couldn’t sit long with him because of my wounds. I was in my bedroom at the other end of the house and Jan was lying in the living room. I heard later that Jan had a double dose of pain relief since that evening I got home. I’m convinced he was in pain because I was in pain and we couldn’t be together, although we were in the same house. I lost the communication method with him because he was too much under sedation.

The morning of 29th July 2015 I felt intuitive that I wanted to be alone with Jan. I arranged for my sister who had arrived the day after the party, to visit the harbour and beach to do a little bit of sightseeing in Wollongong. She hadn’t seen more than our house and unexpectedly became my carer after my operation. I was alone with Jan for three hours, although the nurses came to check his pain relief medication. I discovered I could still communicate with him! He tried to blink with his eye lids but that didn’t work anymore, but I could see the muscle contraction when he tried to blink. I was so happy with this. He was still afraid to lose our strong connection. I convinced him that our connection would stay. My work as a psychic medium is evidence that a soul connection stays and that there are still ways to communicate. I convinced him he knew very well how to communicate with me or getting my attention and he would find a way from heaven to get through to me. And he could always ask Archangel Michael for help. After a channelled message on speaker by my colleague, I saw he became calm. I gave him a lot of healing that morning. And I told him it would be great to just being able to float around as a soul and to be able to visit his family and us whenever he wanted. During lunch with my sister, Jan started making noises. It sounded like he was choking, but these were his last breaths. We ran to him, I held my hand on his heart and said: “If you can go now, go. I’ll manage.” It was weird to get the confirmation of the nurse he was gone. So this was it? My mind immediately got into crisis management; we had to pick up the girls from school before school finished, because I wanted to avoid questions. The girls were both surprised to not having to cry when they saw Jan’s body. I explained that his soul was still in the room and that’s why it felt so peaceful. We could all sense his energy. After an hour the girls went playing outside. They were running, dancing, laughing and singing. How beautiful. And then I felt Jan’s energy leaving and travelling further away. It was scary to feel him moving away from me. From now on it was waiting till I received a sign or message. Two nights later I received a message from Archangel Michael; “Jan has arrived safely”. Good news, but I couldn’t feel a connection with Jan anymore. Be patient, I told myself.

I am still super grateful that I could be there for Jan. I was honoured that I could help him cross over, let go and comfort him before he started his journey back Home. I gave everything I had to give for him. I felt his frustration after he got sedated, to still be there the next day, and the next day, and that for eight days in a row. He wanted to leave, but couldn’t because of his fear. It was a sad experience, but also a beautiful one at the same time. It definitely enriched my soul.

There was so much to arrange. And there has so much happened since this day. I had to fill out piles of forms and send documents. I was still recovering from my operation and couldn’t lift weight for six weeks and I couldn’t drive myself. My sister had left after the coming together in our house to remember Jan (an awesome day where it was completely silent when the slide show of Jan’s life was shown). It was an emotional goodbye when she left, but it felt really good to finally have the house for myself and my daughter again. No one else, just finally having my own space. Space to let the tears run and to start to realise what had happened. What a traumatic experience. I had a huge list with things-to-do and I did them all that afternoon. I had to rely on help from friends and the community, and I was flabbergasted about what was happening; people came with dinner for us, brought groceries, were happy to drive me around to appointments, cleaned my house, brought the kids to school and back home, arranged playdates for the kids, and did things that I needed to have done but couldn’t do myself. I am still emotional when I think back about this. I feel appreciation and gratefulness.

I was living in a rental place with builders starting to build a road in the garden (very noisy and starting early in the morning), painters around the house to prepare the house for sale (can you open this window for me now?), and even someone who came for a taxation of the house, so I didn’t have any privacy. I once had a phone consult with a client and I couldn’t even find a room in the house where I could sit and talk in silence. How could I grieve when I didn’t have privacy? And I had to sleep to heal, but during daytime it was too noisy. And I had still so much to do! I also had to find another rental place for my daughter and myself, and move. A very stressful event and I was still recovering from my operation, not even being able to move anything myself.

I had to deal with Jan’s ex-wife and Jan’s friend and his wife, who weren’t respectful and thought they could manipulate and control me and my decisions. They put pressure on me and crossed my boundaries lots of times, although I communicated clearly about my boundaries. They created drama and spread a lot of negativity. The last thing I could use in my grieving process and recovery from my operation. I sticked with my truth in my heart and I am the only one who knows best what Jan’s wishes are and how to realise them, so I can only live by living my truth and stay true to my heart. Jan and I discussed everything together before he crossed over. I know who has broken their promises to Jan and that hurts and is disappointing. I finally decided to end the contact with them and that created peace in my life again. Lois, Jan’s daughter, is not in our life anymore since the middle of August last year. I don’t see a child as a power tool and I have luckily explained Lois on forehand how I stand in this situation and why. I have let go of all of this, I have the insight I finished karma with the persons, I forgave them, and I can continue moving forward. I just hope Lois can feel in her heart that we still love her.

In December my daughter and I went on a holiday and I had such a beautiful spiritual connection with Jan there. I was for the first time since long relaxed and had a tranquil mind. I saw Jan for the first time ever with my 3rd eye chakra, and I was over the moon about that experience. I talked a whole night with him and it felt so comfortable. Since then I’ve seen him a few times more, even with my eyes open. I can channel his message and even did that one time now without tears. I even received the signs we discussed he would give when he would be in heaven. I often look at his photo and remember the day I took that beautiful photo of him where he looks cheeky to me. It was the last Twilight Market in 2015 at Flagstaff Hill. We were enjoying the food, the sun and the view and we sent a Whatsapp message to my sister in the Netherlands that we are lucky people sitting here on a Friday night in nature, enjoying life together.

I found out this year during a session also that the time Jan got very tired in October 2014 and had to stop working as a disability support worker, had caused a shock for me. Unconsciously I knew this was not good. My body was in shock, still. Since January 2016 I got physical issues. I didn’t have energy anymore, I felt ill, terrible, organs didn’t work properly and my immune system wasn’t working well. I also had sleeping problems. I couldn’t do my work properly. I was lying on the couch between two client appointments. As I wrote earlier, I lost myself last year. I had survived, dealt with everything including the loss, negativity and stress, had moved house, and my body needed rest now. I’m not the type of person to share this private info a lot. I want to focus on being positive and optimistic. I know I can heal and I will be completely healthy again. That’s what I wanted to visualise. I rang the alarm bell about my health, looked for the best practitioners to help me and went into a big healing process. It feels now that I collected the pieces of myself the last six months and I’m integrating the last pieces to be whole again. With the shock in October 2014 when Jan’s health went downhill, I lost my power. I have my power back again. I own my power now. What a difference! I could finally take actions and reach goals. I could realise what I wanted to realise. I learned I am strong (although it doesn’t often feel like being strong when feeling so vulnerable), I can handle everything that comes on my path, I can ask for help and receive help offered, I can still feel love and even on a deeper level, I’m still happy and positive and optimistic, I can have days that I don’t feel well but I know how to raise my vibration again and I keep on moving forward. I have learned a lot, and all these lessons in my life brought me a huge personal growth. I hope this story gives hope/faith for who reads this and thinks he/she can’t handle events that happen in his/her life. You can handle everything that comes on your path! Believe in that, ask for help from universe and people around you. Sometimes just talking about what needs to be done, results in offers to help you. I didn’t see myself moving house last year. Many people helped me and I just sat down in my new house watching them working. I was empty, couldn’t move anymore. Nobody saw this as a problem. I sat until I collected myself again and felt I could do something like unpacking a box. I moved and slept in my new house the same day. My old place was big and needed to be cleaned before handing in the keys. I send out a text message asking for help, and I got a real clean team to help me. It was an amazing experience!

This year I also found out that I was disappointed in myself, for not being where I wanted to be in life at the moment. I wanted to have expanded my business. I’m having my business 10 years this year. But instead of expanding work, I had been ill after the loss of Jan and everything that happened after that. It took some time to forgive myself for being where I am right now. It’s okay to be where I am, and from here I’ll pick up to expand my business further.

A year without Jan is strange, but I managed to deal with this new situation. I’m proud of how I survived, and I have to cry when I write this. Yes, I am proud of how I handled everything that came on my path. I made lists of what I have achieved in my life so far. It helped to make me realise I am a unique person and I have achieved a lot where I can be proud of. I hope I’m a good role model for my daughter, but recently when I asked her what I could best do with a decision to make, she answered: “Do what feels good mum, because you can best follow your heart and go for the experience”, I thought she has learned something valuable in life from me, that you don’t learn at school!