With all the energy changes the last months, you can feel overwhelmed and unsettled, even completely out of balance. But do not fear the energy changes, because you are meant to review your life and make changes for yourself. What is it that you want to see changed in your life?

Take time for yourself to sit in silence and look at your life with a helicopter view. See yourself living your life. Notice how you feel. What is needed to change to make you feel happier? Imagine you have all the magic you need and you can change this in your life right now. Use the magic and change it. How do you feel after the change has taken place? How’s your happiness right now? Send this new level of happiness to all your cells in your body.

Now be honest with yourself. To realise the change on earth, you have to take action. What can you do right now as a first step to achieve your change? And can you already see what the next step will be? How can you take the next step? What do you need to do?

A change in your life is never dependent on what someone else does or doesn’t. The action is for you. If you wait for another to take a decision or an action, you’re taking on a passive role and you can only disappoint yourself or blame the other. You put the responsibility for your life (and desired change) in hands of the other person. So take back the responsibility over your life and take the first action step to what you want with your life, what will make you happy. It can mean you have to end relationships with certain people or quit your current job, to create new space for a life that suits you better. Don’t be afraid about ending relationships or quitting a job, because it will open up new space to let new like-minded people or a new job enter your life. Don’t be afraid to let go of the old when it doesn’t suit you anymore. If you hold on to it out of fear, you’ll get stuck.
And as a note I want to make clear I’m not advising you to immediately quit your job tomorrow, but more to take actions in finding out what job would make you happier and then taking the steps to get that new job, i.e. start using your network to spread the word what new job you’re looking for and start sending job applications or research how you can start your own business. It’s about taking actions because with that you’re showing universe that you’re serious about the change you want and you’re willing to take actions and take responsibility for your life.

Here are the steps again for you to change your life to achieve more happiness for yourself:

  1. Watch your life with a helicopter view and experience what you want to change to be happier
  2. Imagine how your life is in the changed situation, how you feel and how your happiness level is
  3. Take back responsibility about your own life
  4. Be honest and decide what actions you need to take to achieve the changes and write them down
  5. Decide to start the first action step for change right now
  6. Daily take time for yourself to sit in silence and visualise you’ve achieved your desired change and fill all your cells with the new level of happiness you experience

Of course I advise you to tell your guides and angels what you want to change in your life. Ask them for help, support and guidance. Ask them in daily meditation to show you what your next step is and how to take it and to assist you constantly. And ask for confirmation and signs if you’re doing the right thing to achieve the changes you want.

Self-love is healing

Self-love heart in handsThis is Archangel Gabriel, passing on my message through Astrid. I’d like to use this opportunity to inform you about big changes going on in the world. There is awakening happening for lots of people. They start to become conscious about role patterns, habits that are limiting and relationships that are disempowering. If you are experiencing to feel discomfortable with your life at the moment and you want to change things, you are one of them. ‘But how can you make such a change?’, is what you are wondering.

It all starts with becoming conscious about what’s happening in your life. Seeing the circles you’re going round in. Observe what feelings and emotions are connected to this. And then notice what thoughts you have with this. To what place in your body are you being pulled with your attention? Describe to yourself how it feels there, as if you’re explaining your feeling to a friend. And what emotion is connected to this feeling? Is it in general sadness, fear or anger? Or can you be more specific as in: pain, disappointment, anxiety, being shut down, being kept in place? Now notice what thoughts you have with this feeling and emotion. Just observe and don’t judge for what you’re experiencing. Acknowledge everything that you experience for a while until you become calm.

It’s time to make the connection to your heart now. You may ask the help of me, or your guides and angels. We can assist you to connect to your heart. Ask your heart what’s the best for you to do now. Is it something you can give yourself in the form of a colour, a symbol, a word, or a positive affirmation? This is a deed of self-love, so open yourself to receive this. Don’t think it’s strange to give this to yourself. It’s necessary and it will make you feel better, lighter, more in the flow, and sleep better. You will even start to radiate more happiness.

If you do this exercise on a daily base, you’ll see that you will increase in happiness. You will start to learn to connect to your heart and your desires so you can fulfil your needs. Don’t compare your needs with others, because you are unique and everybody has his/her own needs. Whatever your need is, nothing is strange or weird or silly. It is how it is and it is good for you. Be true to your heart’s desires and be honest to yourself. If you need a break of something, try to create that break and take time for yourself. Go out in nature and fill yourself up again with love. Love is always the answer to what you need. And you can give it to yourself. You don’t need anyone else for that.

May you live in peace and harmony and full of love to spread that to the world. If you read this and have the time to receive a healing from me, just confirm that with your thoughts right now and open yourself to receive my healing. It will only take a few minutes and I will cleanse your energy so you’ll feel more balanced and tranquil.

In love and light, Gabriel

spiritualityIn the Illawarra region in New South Wales Australia spirituality exists but it’s still a pretty new concept for many people. Most people here are focussed on money and materialism. It’s primarily about earning an income through work and making career to earn more money, owning properties and possessions. Lots of people are scared to lose their job because then their ‘secure’ world will fall apart; if you don’t have a job anymore, you can’t pay your mortgage(s), you can lose your house and more of your possessions. And then what?

This is the question where you can choose to let spirituality enter into your life. Think about it for a second: What happens when you would lose your house? When you don’t have money anymore? Most of you will think of the humiliation, shame, failure to your environment (family, friends, and neighbours). But what if you, instead of focussing on materialism, turn to yourself as a person; who are you without a house, without money, without possessions? You are still YOU! You are still a part of The Source/God here on earth in a human body, you can still shine your light, be a role model how you deal with the situation, be of service for others and be meaningful. You are still love. You can still give love. Have you ever thought about it that way? Does this whole way of thinking maybe cause a shift inside of you?

Let’s go back from this idea to your work. You earn your money through work, but do you like your job? Do you do the work that you love? Do you feel excited to get up to go to your work? Do you feel it’s your calling to do this work? Do you feel compassion when you’re working? Or are you just doing this work because it pays the bills?
When you’re doing the work you love, it’ll bring you energy, new opportunities, personal growth, fulfilment and happiness. When you’re doing the work to pay the bills, look at your wellbeing. Are you healthy, vital, positive and optimistic? Or are you low in energy, unhappy, complaining, or jealous/envious of what other people have or seem to have in your eyes?

Back to spirituality. If you can see yourself as a unique being with talents, what are you doing here on earth? What can you contribute to make this world a better place? How can you serve? The answer is nowhere to be found than inside yourself. When you quiet your mind and go with your attention to your heart space, ask your heart what it wants to do, learn, or change. Wait for the answer that can come in the form of a thought, a feeling or an image in your mind. Through your heart you have a connection with The Source/Universe. It’s a connection of pure, unconditional love and it can bring you answers. It’s a whole new world opening up to you with lots of help and support in the form of your spirit guides and angels. You’re not alone. You’re surrounded with love and support if you open yourself up for this connection. And even when you’re sad or lonely, you keep the connection although you think it’s gone, and you can release your feelings and experience the connection again. Especially in times of grief, this is a wonderful tool to cope with what’s happening in your life. Grief as in losing a dearly loved one, but also in the case of losing your job or being diagnosed with an illness. Spirituality is about learning through living your life, experiencing, letting go and moving forward again. Of constantly being in contact with your heart and feeling if you’re still happy with your life or if you want to make changes. It’s learning and integrating what you’ve learned. And if I tell you that there are no limits to achieve, but that it’s all infinite, maybe you can think or meditate on that one to discover your own truth. Because that’s also spirituality: finding your own answers through connecting, reading, listening, asking and receiving, through quieting your mind and listening to your heart. You don’t need to have the same opinion as others. You are allowed to have your own truth. And you deserve to discover your own truth and to live it fully. Then you can truly say you’re living from your heart! And how spiritual is that?! Here you’ve got the importance of spirituality for you.

white-1184178_1280Since I found out about angel numbers, I asked universe to show me them as much as possible. I started noticing them everywhere; times on the clock, number plates of cars, house numbers, phone numbers, etc. Every number has a specific meaning and you can see them as messages from angels to you to help you on your path.

Recently I read a book called The Messengers. It was about a very spiritual business man and from one particular moment in his life, other people started to receive messages for him at the time 4:44 (often they woke up at 4:44 am to receive the message for him). Since I was reading the book, I started to see the time 4:44 every day and I even woke up at that time! In the meantime I have finished reading the book but still get to see 444 everywhere.

If you are open to receive angel numbers in your life too, tell your spirit guides and angels (or God/The Source/universe in general) with your thoughts that you are ready to receive angel numbers from now on. Ask also to notice the angel numbers everywhere. It’s so much fun to receive them if you know what they mean. Angel numbers can appear in 2 digits, 3 digits, 4 digits, or even more. Just know that the more of the same numbers are together, the more powerful the message is for you. A great way to pay conscious attention to the angel numbers you receive, is to write them daily in a journal.

When I feel down or stuck, I feel always uplifted when I receive angel numbers, because they proof to me I am helped and all is good.

Here are two short lists for you with explanations of what the angel numbers and times mean. I advise you to print them and keep them in a place close to you, so you can look up their meaning when you receive an angel number or time.

 

Meaning of angel numbers (by Doreen Virtue):

111: your thoughts are manifesting fast, make sure you only think about what you desire in life instead of your fears, as you’ll attract what you’re thinking about

222: keep faith and hope, keep holding positive thoughts, keep affirming and continue visualising cause they are starting to manifest

333: the ascended masters confirm they are with you, sending you love and helping you

444: the angels confirm they are with you, sending you love and helping you

555: a positive change in your life is coming your way

666: your thoughts are too much focussed on the material world. Focus on spirit and service and know that your material and emotional needs will automatically be met as a result

777: you’re on the right path, keep going, know that your wishes will come true and expect more miracles to occur

888: be prepared cause a phase of your life is about to end. It also means abundance is coming your way.

999: this is the end (completion) of a big phase in your life. Get to work on your life’s purpose without delay.

000: you are loved by your Creator. It also means a situation has gone full circle.

 

Meaning of angel times (by Karina Collins):

10:10 you’re stressed about money and your angels are sending you support so that you can improve the situation

11:11 you have spiritual gifts, a wake-up call to rise up and serve a greater cause, believe in yourself

12:12 stay positive cause the future is bright, you’re in an emotional growth phase which will lead to brighter days

13:13 you have a new spirit guide because your life purpose is evolving and this guide is giving you new support on this unfamiliar part of your path

14:14 talk more (preferably daily) to your angels about what you’re worried about, what you’re grateful about, etc. to build a real relationship

15:15 a big change is coming to set you back on track with destiny

16:16 sweet love in the form of a baby (or grandchild) or romantic love is on the way

17:17 you’re thinking about taking an action, the answer is yes, you are on the right path

18:18 meditation, yoga or some other form of relaxation will help you connect to universe. If you’re already doing this, this time is a sign to congratulate you cause you’re doing well, keep going

19:19 take the step you fear and have been asking for guidance on, it is your destiny

20:20 think before you speak, your words have a powerful impact on those around you

21:21 acknowledge the reasons for happiness in your life right now

22:22 you are guided to build and create, you have the potential for greatness, as a creator, teacher or organiser. It is time to do and not talk. Have faith that your dreams and plans have a real future and will come to fruition if you go forward now

23:23 a deceased loved one is sending you love right now. The first person you think of, is who it is. Acknowledge their presence and open your heart to receive their love.

Candle of love

Candle of love

Friday 11th November it’s my wedding anniversary (I got married 11-11-2011). Last year it was the first anniversary after Jan, my husband, crossed over to heaven. I asked him how I could best remember and celebrate our love and he advised a ‘light a candle’ action. This candle symbolises our pure, unconditional love. I gave our love the intention to spread through this candle all over the world to everyone who needed this love because they missed a dear loved one too.

For Jan and me it would be a huge present if you too will light a candle Friday 11th November and give it the same intention. Last year it was a success and we felt honoured that so many people joined our action. I announced to make this a yearly recurring event. Feel free to share this message and to join us and let’s try to create a chain of lighted candles in the world to spread love. If you’ll join, I would appreciate it if you’ll send me a message below (like ‘I’m joining’), just to see how far this idea of Jan can reach.

Thank you so much for participating!

CONTACT FORM Join the Light a Candle action on 11-11-2016

 
 

Verification

balloon-1167218_640Recently I had a client who still suffered from a traumatic experience of years ago. After hearing the story, the cause of her physical issues was that my client felt so much resentment, hurt and pain toward a relative involved in this trauma, that she had abandoned her from her life, but was still ‘fighting’ with her in her mind, mostly to try to understand why this situation had happened. There was a huge judgment about the behaviour of the relative. But with the ‘fighting’ in her mind, she kept her relative and herself imprisoned.

I explained to her that if she wouldn’t forgive her relative, she could not move on and live the life she wanted to. The unforgiveness was blocking her life completely and for such a long time. My client told me she couldn’t forgive her relative for what she had done. I told her that forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve their behaviour and actions, but that you forgive the person, or the soul as you wish. I asked if she was willing to forgive. Yes, she was, because she saw that the unforgiveness was causing physical problems in her life now.

It was impossible for her to forgive her relative as how she was now, an adult woman, but we discovered that my client could see the inner child in her relative. The little child in her who always got what she wanted and crossed boundaries to achieve this. When she could see this inner child, she felt she could forgive this child easily. It made her see her relative in a different way.

We asked Archangel Michael to join us and to cut the cords between my client and her relative and to take the energy connected to this whole situation (resentment, anger, hurt and distrust) with him for transformation in love & light. She could feel a heavy weight being released.

Then we came to the point to feel if she could forgive herself. She had never thought about forgiving herself. I asked her to feel what she experienced when she said: “I forgive myself for everything till now”. She had to repeat it a few times but could sense that this felt good and she would repeat this more often after the session at home too, to come to complete forgiveness of herself.

If you have difficulties to forgive someone for what has happened, look at the inner child in them, or the light that is in everyone, and start forgiving that part and then expand it to the complete person. You will free yourself and the other person so that you both can move forward on your paths again.

 

Intuition and past lives

esmee-in-tree-smallWe just started the school holiday and on Saturday morning 24th September my daughter Esmee ran into my bedroom at 5 am. This turned out to be a week of using my intuition and getting past lives’ info we weren’t conscious of. She was crying and hopped in my bed and explained she had a terrible tummy ache. She was afraid to have to throw up (she did that a month ago when she had a tummy bug and didn’t like the experience). She grabbed my hands for healing on her tummy. I applied some DigestZen essential oil on her tummy. I always feel so powerless when my child is sick and yesterday she was perfectly fine, so I hadn’t seen this one coming. We would leave today for a weekend Canberra but after breakfast we cancelled this plan because it was better to stay at home until she was better again. She was quite disappointed about this but relieved to stay home.

She didn’t have an appetite, was even afraid to eat (fear to have to throw up), was extremely tired, had a pale skin, was very emotional and kept on complaining about a tummy ache. We went to our kinesiologist that day and found out she had an Amoebic infection. The DigestZen had helped so we didn’t need to do more for now. With checking her chakras we found out her root chakra was blocked. After this was fixed and we treated other issues from the list we brought, we went home again. At night time she complained about a heavier tummy ache again. She didn’t sleep well and the next morning she came crying in my room again with a tummy ache.

Monday she felt even worse. We found out with the naturopath/kinesiologist that she was definitely suffering from an Amoebic infection. The cause of this is tap water in Australia which contains this one cell organism. We have a water tank with filters and only drink that water and wash our fruit and veggies with it, but still we get the infection every now and then. It can come from taking a shower or bath or from food. My intuition already had told me that 1x applying DigestZen oil wouldn’t be enough, so I had already given Esmee the naturopath drops for Amoeba since Sunday morning.

We hoped to go to Canberra Tuesday and Wednesday but she was still feeling sick and there didn’t seem to be any improvement. We visited the spiritual discussion group on Tuesday night but had to leave early because she wanted to go home, not feeling well. This group was the only thing that I wanted to do for myself but it turned out to be a short visit. On Thursday Esmee’s situation got worse. The drops normally kick in in three days time but there was only a small improvement. My intuition said she probably had another infection going on. After a visit to our naturopath that was the case; she also had a fungal infection. So we also started drops to get rid of that. When it was bed time, Esmee came to me and when I saw her face, I knew she had to cry. She really wanted to sleep in my bed tonight, so we arranged that. She’s always turning and moving a lot in her sleep, so it would mean I wouldn’t get a lot of sleep…

esmee-in-tree-with-heart-smallOn Friday she was sneezing, blowing her nose and still getting worse, still tired and emotional, still a tummy ache in the mornings and evenings and it looked like she also had a cold with it now. I had never seen this before with her. In the evening when I put her in my bed again for the night, I suddenly had an insight; Esmee getting worse with health issues had to do something with me, maybe a past life blockage. The next day my colleague would channel for us what was happening with Esmee and her health. We received some interesting information: there was a past life where Esmee had been my mother and she had a lot of children. I was one of her favourite children because I helped her with raising the younger kids. Unfortunately she died very young. I felt responsible for the children and did my best to raise them, although I was very young myself. I had taken on this life lesson of responsibility but it turned out to be too much for me. I had resentment towards my mother because she had left so early and left me in this difficult situation. The resentment was in our way right now. There was a second past life where Esmee was a man and I was a woman and we had a short romantic relationship together. Because it was only short, we were left with a ‘not really liking each other’ feeling after the relation was ended and this feeling was in our way right now with her being sick. Universe removed the karma from both these lives from us and healed this. An hour later Esmee started to have more energy and she got some colour on her cheeks again. She got an appetite and started eating again. What a huge difference!

She slept in her own bed again that night. She was a bit afraid. I asked her why and she explained the energy in my bedroom was nicer than in hers. We cleansed the energy in her room with a cleansing spray with essential oils and we asked Archangel Michael also to cleanse her energy and the energy in her room, to wrap his wings around her the whole night and to help her fall asleep immediately and sleep very well. She did fall asleep immediately and slept really well and even slept in till 7 am (which is long for her). She’s feeling fine again and enjoying her school holiday. What an adventure of how my intuition guided me to take the action steps we did and to find out there were past lives blocking Esmee to be healthy again.

Why are you a pleaser?

First Love YourselfAfter having met each other on a networking meeting, there were two women in a conversation and one of them suddenly asked me why she was a pleaser. I said I could explain this to her without asking universe information, just based on my working experience with clients. Most of my clients are sensitive women who are pleasers. They have their families so children and their partner are top priorities. Sometimes they even care for their parents or in-laws too. Then they also often work, do the household, groceries, administration and/or finances, they race around with the children to school and after school activities. They try to sport themselves, to see their friends for a cuppa and/or to practise a hobby. Such a life sounds like trying to be Super Woman. Everybody and everything is a priority, but who is the one on the bottom of the list? You.

That’s confronting, isn’t it? You have put yourself on the bottom of the priority list of your life. You’ve downgraded yourself to not being important, you don’t count of getting a priority. You don’t take good care of yourself. You don’t listen to your needs. Maybe you can’t even feel anymore what your needs are.

When you please others, you do that because it makes you feel good and you feel appreciated. If you wouldn’t do that, the other person wouldn’t feel good and you would get a feeling that you did it wrong or didn’t give enough. That would make you feel bad. What’s the worst that could happen to you then? Well, that the other person judges you and rejects you. So here you have your fear of rejection. And what’s underneath this fear? What happens when you feel rejected? You feel terribly lonely. So that’s a fear too. When you’re feeling lonely, you feel not connected. It feels like you’re alone in the world. That can be an incredibly devastating feeling. It means you are disconnected from universe. Imagine how that feels, although you have your guardian angel and spirit guides with you constantly, you feel disconnected from them. And you even feel disconnected from The Source (or God or All-That-Is). You have the belief that you have to do everything yourself. Maybe you even belief that you are not able to handle life and everything that comes on your path. This is fear of being alone is your deepest fear to work on. And how can you change this? To start loving yourself.

That can be harder to achieve than it sounds. Because how do you love yourself? Where do you start? How do you connect to your heart and feel your needs? And how can you stand up for yourself, change your position from the bottom to the top priority of your list and fulfil your needs? It’s true that if you love yourself and fulfil your needs, you can take better care of others. So others will even benefit from your big change to love yourself more.

Meditation can bring you answers, you can ask the help of angels and your spirit guides and I am also happy to help you release your deepest fears and help you to discover how to love yourself and how to fulfil your needs. Decide now to make your Self the highest priority in life!

How to overcome anxiety?

Calm WomanThis is Archangel Michael writing a message to you about anxiety. A lot of people on earth are experiencing anxiety in their lives. They often experience a tightness in their chest, a high and quick breathing, a racing heart and restlessness. When this lasts a while, it can become a panic attack.

If you experience anxiety, you are a ‘thinker’; very busy in your mind with lots of fear thoughts and worries. Sometimes you can even ‘overthink’ situations. Your thoughts can go round in your head and you don’t know how to stop them. How you feel, can cause that you avoid certain situations where you know on forehand you would experience the anxious feeling again or stronger.

Humans often try to suppress their feelings, but the opposite is necessary. Start to acknowledge your feelings. Give them your full attention and allow them to be as big as they need your attention. This may sound strange to you, but it’ll help to release them. Focus on your feelings while breathing consciously to your lower tummy. And send love from your heart to your feelings.

You can also review your thoughts during a day. Are you thinking positive thoughts that support your life? Write them down to have the proof what thoughts you are thinking. Possibly you see a pattern of how you think. Now change negative thoughts into positive thoughts that will help you in your life to move forward, take new challenges, learn new things and develop yourself.
Let me give you an example: if you think thoughts as ‘I’ll never get this done today’, do you think that you can finish your things-to-do list today? I’m sure you won’t achieve ticking of the list today. So what would be a more positive and helpful thought? ‘I am focussed and in the flow and it’s my intention to finish my things-to-do list today’.

Don’t forget to ask my help or help from other angels you work with, and your spirit guides. We are always available to help you, but we can only help when you ask us, because you have free will. Don’t worry that you’ll ask our help too often, because there is no ‘too often’. Our help is infinite. We are happy with a smile on your face and a ‘thank you’ as your thoughts. Tell us what you want, what you need and ask us to help you. Be open to receive our help and guidance and follow our signs and your intuition.

Grief in loving memoryThis month it’s a year ago my husband Jan crossed over to heaven. I’ve had a very challenging year with lots of changes and personal growth and I’d like to share what I discovered and experienced. Maybe it helps you when you’re in a grieving process of a departed loved one, or in some other way.

A year ago in this week my husband was already very ill, couldn’t keep any food inside and finally went to hospital, because nothing we tried helped him to improve to being healthy again. It was a time of literally facing death in his eyes, although we were still hopeful and expecting a miracle to happen.

I found out that the moment of receiving his diagnosis that doctors couldn’t save him anymore, was the point that the door of all our dreams together was shut in one second. No dreams, no future together, he would leave pretty soon, I would be in Australia with two kids, no family in the same country. Devastation. The doctor wanted me to decide for Jan, but I believed that Jan had to make that decision about his life himself. He was still conscious and having a clear mind. Every human has free will, so he had do decide what he wanted. I thought I’d knew what he would choose and I would find out if I was right about his wishes. I decided to tell him myself what the doctor had said. We cried many tears. He immediately said he wanted to become a palliative care patient. He wanted to go home as soon as possible and he wanted to be comfortable and pain free. We informed family and his mum, sister and brother would book a flight as soon as possible to come over and say their final goodbyes. A new phase started. I knew what would come soon and it was so overwhelming to think about that. We decided to only look forward day by day. To live in the present. I still slept home, but soon I woke up in the middle of the night with Jan saying in my mind ‘I’m ready to go’. I decided to stay fulltime in hospital with him from that day on. Jan wanted me to do as much as possible for him; being with him when he was washed, he wanted me to feed him or put all types of creams on his skin. I kept an eye on his equipment and felt responsible to stand up for him and his needs. I had already been his ‘voice’ since he arrived in hospital, because he couldn’t speak properly anymore caused by his weak physical condition. On the night his family would arrive, he thought he wouldn’t make it and I was giving him healing the whole day, talking him through every minute to stay with us so he could say goodbye to his family. It was a difficult day, and such a relief when his family arrived and they could hold each other. Lots of emotions that night. And a happy ending for that day.

When Jan came home the next day as a palliative care patient, I was his carer. It was a huge responsibility and very overwhelming with all medication and things to think about. No privacy in our house anymore, no space for me to sit down and integrate what was happening. I had to be strong for Jan, for our daughters, for his family. There was no time for me. With what I know now, I can share that I completely lost myself in July 2015. I forgot to take care of me, I couldn’t feel my needs anymore, and I just had to continue day by day with what needed to be done. Lots of emotions again about my carer role; doing what I was told to do and then hearing that I had done something wrong, which later turned out I had done correctly. I was an emotional mess.

Jan and I decided to organise a big Celebrate Life Party and spread the news through social media. I slept on a mattress on the dining table next to Jan’s bed. He wanted me to stay with him constantly. The next morning when we woke up, he said he thought this was the time to leave. I sat next to his bed with my head on his chest for more than an hour, nobody knew what was going on. Jan said he saw the light but he couldn’t go yet. He was afraid to lose our strong connection. The party was a huge success. At the end of the party Jan decided it was enough and he wanted to be sedated. He could only communicate by blinking his eyes as a ‘yes’ answer. I will never forget his mum saying goodbye before Jan got sedated and crying that she was supposed to be the one to leave, not him. Everyone was with his/her own emotions, but it felt that no one understood where I was in this process. I was about to lose my husband, my anchor, the reason I emigrated to Australia with my daughter, to be together with him and to become old with him. All our dreams wouldn’t come true anymore. I was the one left behind soon, and I would have to deal with that situation. I would miss him in my daily life. I would miss my true love. I finally found true love, and I had to let it go. What was universe doing? Why couldn’t my true love stay? Wasn’t I supposed to be happy with him for a very long time? Why not? Did I do something wrong? Why did I deserve this? I completely accepted that Jan’s soul had chosen this life on earth with his lessons, and this departure. I understood that on soul level we had agreed before coming to this life, to be together and for me to help him cross over after having experienced what true love is and feels like. But with what was happening in my life right now, I unconsciously lost my faith in universe. Not so handy when you work with universe…

Two nights later I woke up with an unbearable pain in my lower tummy. I didn’t want to leave Jan to go to hospital, but I couldn’t walk anymore, so I had too. I knew I needed surgery, but I didn’t know for what. I was aware that he could cross over when I was in hospital, so before I left, I said a short goodbye to him. The ambulance ride was a reverse of everything we had been through. He had been the patient, and now I was the patient. I knew the emergency department and how they work, too well. There was no bed available, so I had to sit in a chair. I was nausea of the pain and couldn’t sit longer. I started to faint from the pain. After x-rays and a scan doctors saw a big cyst on my ovary. I would be operated the next day. I was in pain and morphine didn’t really help. I remember I told my sister, who had arrived in the meantime for my support, I could feel the morphine going to my brain and I said I felt high but still felt the pain in my lower tummy, and I was still clear in my mind. I stayed in hospital only 50 hours. Doctors understood I had to go back home. Jan was still alive. I was happy he was still there, but I couldn’t sit long with him because of my wounds. I was in my bedroom at the other end of the house and Jan was lying in the living room. I heard later that Jan had a double dose of pain relief since that evening I got home. I’m convinced he was in pain because I was in pain and we couldn’t be together, although we were in the same house. I lost the communication method with him because he was too much under sedation.

The morning of 29th July 2015 I felt intuitive that I wanted to be alone with Jan. I arranged for my sister who had arrived the day after the party, to visit the harbour and beach to do a little bit of sightseeing in Wollongong. She hadn’t seen more than our house and unexpectedly became my carer after my operation. I was alone with Jan for three hours, although the nurses came to check his pain relief medication. I discovered I could still communicate with him! He tried to blink with his eye lids but that didn’t work anymore, but I could see the muscle contraction when he tried to blink. I was so happy with this. He was still afraid to lose our strong connection. I convinced him that our connection would stay. My work as a psychic medium is evidence that a soul connection stays and that there are still ways to communicate. I convinced him he knew very well how to communicate with me or getting my attention and he would find a way from heaven to get through to me. And he could always ask Archangel Michael for help. After a channelled message on speaker by my colleague, I saw he became calm. I gave him a lot of healing that morning. And I told him it would be great to just being able to float around as a soul and to be able to visit his family and us whenever he wanted. During lunch with my sister, Jan started making noises. It sounded like he was choking, but these were his last breaths. We ran to him, I held my hand on his heart and said: “If you can go now, go. I’ll manage.” It was weird to get the confirmation of the nurse he was gone. So this was it? My mind immediately got into crisis management; we had to pick up the girls from school before school finished, because I wanted to avoid questions. The girls were both surprised to not having to cry when they saw Jan’s body. I explained that his soul was still in the room and that’s why it felt so peaceful. We could all sense his energy. After an hour the girls went playing outside. They were running, dancing, laughing and singing. How beautiful. And then I felt Jan’s energy leaving and travelling further away. It was scary to feel him moving away from me. From now on it was waiting till I received a sign or message. Two nights later I received a message from Archangel Michael; “Jan has arrived safely”. Good news, but I couldn’t feel a connection with Jan anymore. Be patient, I told myself.

I am still super grateful that I could be there for Jan. I was honoured that I could help him cross over, let go and comfort him before he started his journey back Home. I gave everything I had to give for him. I felt his frustration after he got sedated, to still be there the next day, and the next day, and that for eight days in a row. He wanted to leave, but couldn’t because of his fear. It was a sad experience, but also a beautiful one at the same time. It definitely enriched my soul.

There was so much to arrange. And there has so much happened since this day. I had to fill out piles of forms and send documents. I was still recovering from my operation and couldn’t lift weight for six weeks and I couldn’t drive myself. My sister had left after the coming together in our house to remember Jan (an awesome day where it was completely silent when the slide show of Jan’s life was shown). It was an emotional goodbye when she left, but it felt really good to finally have the house for myself and my daughter again. No one else, just finally having my own space. Space to let the tears run and to start to realise what had happened. What a traumatic experience. I had a huge list with things-to-do and I did them all that afternoon. I had to rely on help from friends and the community, and I was flabbergasted about what was happening; people came with dinner for us, brought groceries, were happy to drive me around to appointments, cleaned my house, brought the kids to school and back home, arranged playdates for the kids, and did things that I needed to have done but couldn’t do myself. I am still emotional when I think back about this. I feel appreciation and gratefulness.

I was living in a rental place with builders starting to build a road in the garden (very noisy and starting early in the morning), painters around the house to prepare the house for sale (can you open this window for me now?), and even someone who came for a taxation of the house, so I didn’t have any privacy. I once had a phone consult with a client and I couldn’t even find a room in the house where I could sit and talk in silence. How could I grieve when I didn’t have privacy? And I had to sleep to heal, but during daytime it was too noisy. And I had still so much to do! I also had to find another rental place for my daughter and myself, and move. A very stressful event and I was still recovering from my operation, not even being able to move anything myself.

I had to deal with Jan’s ex-wife and Jan’s friend and his wife, who weren’t respectful and thought they could manipulate and control me and my decisions. They put pressure on me and crossed my boundaries lots of times, although I communicated clearly about my boundaries. They created drama and spread a lot of negativity. The last thing I could use in my grieving process and recovery from my operation. I sticked with my truth in my heart and I am the only one who knows best what Jan’s wishes are and how to realise them, so I can only live by living my truth and stay true to my heart. Jan and I discussed everything together before he crossed over. I know who has broken their promises to Jan and that hurts and is disappointing. I finally decided to end the contact with them and that created peace in my life again. Lois, Jan’s daughter, is not in our life anymore since the middle of August last year. I don’t see a child as a power tool and I have luckily explained Lois on forehand how I stand in this situation and why. I have let go of all of this, I have the insight I finished karma with the persons, I forgave them, and I can continue moving forward. I just hope Lois can feel in her heart that we still love her.

In December my daughter and I went on a holiday and I had such a beautiful spiritual connection with Jan there. I was for the first time since long relaxed and had a tranquil mind. I saw Jan for the first time ever with my 3rd eye chakra, and I was over the moon about that experience. I talked a whole night with him and it felt so comfortable. Since then I’ve seen him a few times more, even with my eyes open. I can channel his message and even did that one time now without tears. I even received the signs we discussed he would give when he would be in heaven. I often look at his photo and remember the day I took that beautiful photo of him where he looks cheeky to me. It was the last Twilight Market in 2015 at Flagstaff Hill. We were enjoying the food, the sun and the view and we sent a Whatsapp message to my sister in the Netherlands that we are lucky people sitting here on a Friday night in nature, enjoying life together.

I found out this year during a session also that the time Jan got very tired in October 2014 and had to stop working as a disability support worker, had caused a shock for me. Unconsciously I knew this was not good. My body was in shock, still. Since January 2016 I got physical issues. I didn’t have energy anymore, I felt ill, terrible, organs didn’t work properly and my immune system wasn’t working well. I also had sleeping problems. I couldn’t do my work properly. I was lying on the couch between two client appointments. As I wrote earlier, I lost myself last year. I had survived, dealt with everything including the loss, negativity and stress, had moved house, and my body needed rest now. I’m not the type of person to share this private info a lot. I want to focus on being positive and optimistic. I know I can heal and I will be completely healthy again. That’s what I wanted to visualise. I rang the alarm bell about my health, looked for the best practitioners to help me and went into a big healing process. It feels now that I collected the pieces of myself the last six months and I’m integrating the last pieces to be whole again. With the shock in October 2014 when Jan’s health went downhill, I lost my power. I have my power back again. I own my power now. What a difference! I could finally take actions and reach goals. I could realise what I wanted to realise. I learned I am strong (although it doesn’t often feel like being strong when feeling so vulnerable), I can handle everything that comes on my path, I can ask for help and receive help offered, I can still feel love and even on a deeper level, I’m still happy and positive and optimistic, I can have days that I don’t feel well but I know how to raise my vibration again and I keep on moving forward. I have learned a lot, and all these lessons in my life brought me a huge personal growth. I hope this story gives hope/faith for who reads this and thinks he/she can’t handle events that happen in his/her life. You can handle everything that comes on your path! Believe in that, ask for help from universe and people around you. Sometimes just talking about what needs to be done, results in offers to help you. I didn’t see myself moving house last year. Many people helped me and I just sat down in my new house watching them working. I was empty, couldn’t move anymore. Nobody saw this as a problem. I sat until I collected myself again and felt I could do something like unpacking a box. I moved and slept in my new house the same day. My old place was big and needed to be cleaned before handing in the keys. I send out a text message asking for help, and I got a real clean team to help me. It was an amazing experience!

This year I also found out that I was disappointed in myself, for not being where I wanted to be in life at the moment. I wanted to have expanded my business. I’m having my business 10 years this year. But instead of expanding work, I had been ill after the loss of Jan and everything that happened after that. It took some time to forgive myself for being where I am right now. It’s okay to be where I am, and from here I’ll pick up to expand my business further.

A year without Jan is strange, but I managed to deal with this new situation. I’m proud of how I survived, and I have to cry when I write this. Yes, I am proud of how I handled everything that came on my path. I made lists of what I have achieved in my life so far. It helped to make me realise I am a unique person and I have achieved a lot where I can be proud of. I hope I’m a good role model for my daughter, but recently when I asked her what I could best do with a decision to make, she answered: “Do what feels good mum, because you can best follow your heart and go for the experience”, I thought she has learned something valuable in life from me, that you don’t learn at school!

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