It happened Tuesday night last week. My husband, Jan, already had tremendous problems with sleeping for a couple of days. Just when he started to fall asleep, he woke up with a shock and breathing heavily and fast. He panicked. He also was exhausted of not sleeping. A few weeks before, he was in hospital for his fifth cardio version because his heart was racing (when he was lying in bed, his heart was ticking as if he was running a marathon). That was solved, but Tuesday night he had again that he couldn’t breathe properly, he didn’t get enough oxygen when breathing in. After dinner he started to throw up. At two o’clock I had to call the ambulance again. This is my side of the story of what happened the last days in our lives. I’m writing this because we aren’t people who want to bother other people with our lives, we aren’t complainers, we always want to stay positive and optimistic, we are strong people. But because of this, nobody has a real idea what’s going on behind the scenes. How my husband is fighting for his life to be perfectly healthy again. And how our love and soul mate connection gets us through this every time again. I also want to share my side of this story because I want to share what emotions I’m going through, and how my education and faith and asking for help from people and the universe, helps me handle this situation.
So Tuesday night my husband went to hospital again. As most of you know, our families live in the Netherlands. It’s just us here. Because of the school holidays we had both our daughters at home this first week. They were sleeping and I asked the angels to protect them and shield them from what was going on when the ambulance arrived. They didn’t wake up, a miracle (one of them asked the next morning if she had dreamt she heard voices or if it was for real, so I explained she had heard the ambulance people). Because of the girls at home, I couldn’t go with Jan in the ambulance, but I’m used to that now (it was the sixth time he went with the ambulance, remember?). I switched on my phone and went back to sleep. I woke up round six because Jan called me to tell I could pick him up from hospital. X-rays and blood tests showed there was nothing wrong. I decided to quickly leave the house to pick him up (we live very close to hospital) and left a note on the kitchen bench for the girls, in case they would wake up. They didn’t. Back home, Jan was a bit calmer (he had oxygen in hospital) but he still couldn’t sleep and got into the heavy panicking breathing just before he started to fall asleep.
Wednesday became a day of keeping faith. Jan’s health went backwards fast. He hadn’t slept for days and nights and was exhausted. He just wanted to go to sleep, but he also resisted to fall asleep somehow. He looked absolutely horrendous; I saw a walking dead man. He was throwing up constantly and it didn’t look good. He couldn’t keep any food or water inside. He smelled terrible. I knew his body was shutting down. A quick briefing about his health background; he had an immune disease 10 years ago and a stem cell transplant in 2009. In the last years he completely got rid of all medications and was progressing very well with his health. He even worked again and started as a sole trader this year. Just recently he found a new alternative health practitioner who gave us hope to be completely healthy again, and since he started to use the natural medicines subscribed, he was doing well.
Can you imagine how it feels and what it does to you to see your husband while his body is shutting down? When his immune system stops working? And when you look death in the eyes? I didn’t think of it a second. I noticed but didn’t do anything with it. I had to stay strong and keep him battling and let him have faith to be healthy, even if it looked impossible at this point.
I constantly asked Archangel Michael, the healing angels, Archangel Raphael and other Archangels and Ascended Masters to protect us and to help Jan be healthy again. I didn’t have any doubt that I would lose Jan, but I couldn’t figure out in my mind either how this would be solved. We had contact with the practitioner and we had a treatment scheduled for Thursday. We counted down every hour. And we stopped using the natural medicines till the treatment. Jan had difficulties with walking to the toilet. He needed support to go there. I found a way to lift him out of a chair and walked behind him, holding him really tight. It was heavy but we managed. The nights were terrible. He couldn’t sleep, made a lot of noises with his throat. And he constantly panicked just before falling asleep, so he ‘woke up’ again sitting straight in bed and gasping for oxygen. I asked for help of the universe constantly. Also to keep me on my feet and to provide me with energy and to help me handle this situation. Oh, today the girls were home and we had an appointment at the dentist in the morning. After lunch a friend from the Southern Highlands would come over; she had an appointment in town and her daughter would play at our house while she had the appointment. We did it all; we went to the dentist and we had my friend and her daughter coming over too. It’s amazing what a person can handle when the universe is helping.
Jan needed me for everything and it felt terrible that I couldn’t give the girls enough attention. Also I started to feel exhausted. You know, when someone is ill, they’re of course allowed to feel exhausted and sleep the whole day. But I had to be there the whole day, whenever he called me. Every panic attack I had to help him breathe calmly again and to talk him through it. I used EFT Tapping to help him go through all the ‘pictures/movies’ he saw in his mind when he closed his eyes. He even talked like a different person when he was in this panic attack. As if I was seeing his dark side or another part of him that I hadn’t met before. His body was very stiff again (all the achieved success from the last years was gone in one day) and he was so cold. I can tell you now, that the temperature the last week was awful for him, and for me, especially during the nights. I was up so much to help him go to the toilet or drink some water, but I was freezing (although I was wearing a lot of clothes). Jan’s fingers and feet were cold and blue constantly. He was using a little electric blanket to warm his hands in bed but it wasn’t enough.
When the sun rose Thursday morning, I thanked God that we managed to survive the night and we arrived at this day. This afternoon Jan would have his treatment from the practitioner. It was a matter of counting the hours till it was time to go. I brought my daughter to vacation care, where she was booked in. And I brought Jan’s daughter to a playdate that I arranged the day before. I just wanted for them to have a good time and I thought that would be more possible outside our house at the moment. One of the things of being an empath is that I’m kind of tuning in on the needs of everyone in our house and trying to help them being fulfilled. The difficult side of that, is that I sometimes feel like I’m dropping of or ‘parking’ my girls somewhere instead of taking care of them myself, and that I literally feel everything Jan feels and goes through. I asked the universe to help me to block all the feelings of Jan because I really couldn’t handle that anymore and it worked. I know it’s temporary, but it’s necessary to survive right now. Until noon this day Jan threw up (remember this started Tuesday night). We were looking at the clock constantly. At 12.30 pm I could finally take Jan to his treatment. I have to say that his practitioner was quite shocked to see him this bad too. She’s very experienced with immune disease cases and she has experienced what Jan’s going through, herself too, so she absolutely knows what’s happening, which gives us a comforting feeling. She gave him healing and got him unto homeopathic medications (the only thing Jan’s body could handle now, she said) and received information from her guides that he needed food in his stomach because there was acid coming up continuously. She started to feed him mini pieces of banana. She confirmed to me that Jan was afraid to go to sleep because he unconsciously thought that he wouldn’t wake up anymore. An unconscious fear of death. This was exactly what I had noticed. He kept himself awake and he was so afraid to go to sleep, and I had seen and felt and known death around him the last 1.5 days. I had seen death in his eyes. So, Jan had panic attacks; panic to die. It was heart rending to witness that Jan had chosen such a difficult health issue for this life. But at the other hand, it would be a great opportunity (and challenge!) to make an incredibly personal growth too. The reason for Jan’s racing heart was already resolved (he got rid of that in the last treatment) so he would never need a cardioversion again for a racing heart. The cause had all to do with emotions from the past that were triggered. Exactly what doctors in a hospital can’t fix for you. Honestly, I would so much want the regular circuit to work together with the alternative circuit. We were confronted too many times with doctors in hospitals just solving things short term but don’t take away the cause of the problem. And the only thing they can do, is pump you full with toxic medicines, which aren’t helpful when your immune system is weak. In the alternative circuit Jan is busy for the last years to detox his body, but it often feels like trying to dry out a flooded room without turning off the taps.
After his treatment, the practitioner and I brought Jan to another room and I had to feed him more pieces of banana while he was receiving healing of the angels and recovering. He also uses a Tri-Vortex disc now, which is doing amazing work. It’s a little disc that helps you with balancing your chakras, settling your emotions, providing more focus, and structuring water for super hydration and EMF protection. It’s taped on his body and it becomes super hot from all the polluted energy it pulls out of Jan’s body. After 2.5 hours we went back home again. I am in charge of his meds now, according to the practitioner. Jan was too enthusiastic with increasing the amount of his naturopath drops last week. It’s true, Jan is very stubborn and has the desire to be healthy so strong, that he didn’t listen last week when I said he could only increase the amount of drops a little bit to see if his body could handle it. When the girls came back home, they could see immediately that Jan was feeling much better. The colour of his face was much more back to normal again and he had a calmer look in his eyes. The girls cooked dinner tonight and had much fun with it. They offered it and it really helped us out. I felt very grateful for their offer and I enjoyed dinner. It’s beautiful to see how both girls cope completely different with the situation, but also that they want to help.
On Friday Jan was already going better. He ate a little bit and could already drink more. Sleeping was still very restless. But… he was building up his way to health again. I realised that Jan went through the eye of a needle Wednesday and Thursday morning, and that was a shock. I know I’m good in crisis situations. I automatically go to a helicopter view, see and know what needs to be done, I’m a good organiser and I even get creative in finding solutions. But after the real crisis has passed, the real feelings come in and have to be integrated. When a friend called (I don’t remember if it was on Thursday), I told him it’s very hard to deal with this all alone and I could hardly finish my sentence because of my emotions and tears. The timing of this crisis happening in the school holiday is so bad. But the last weeks I pulled the oracle card ‘helpful people’ a lot. Now I know what that meant. I explained the girls yesterday that I’m not sending them away from our house, but that I hope a playdate at a friend’s place can provide more joy for them than being at home with a super ill dad and seeing him struggle so hard. And that I just wish for them to have a nice school holiday, but that I can’t give them a lot right now. Today they went to vacation care which was already booked in and they had a ball of three hours ice skating in Sydney. Jans’ daughter had guitar lessons at the time that the bus wasn’t back from vacation care. Unpredictable situation; I was in time to pick her up, and now I just had to sit down and wait until they arrived. I asked the universe to send angels before the busses and clear the road, get all the traffic lights green and help them arrive in a miraculous time. They arrived 15 minutes later (they announced to be there in 20 minutes, so there happened some magic there). Friday night we decided to bake pancakes and the girls baked them and had fun.
Saturday Jan was still improving. He ate a bit more than yesterday but now he ate it in 75 minutes instead of 4 hours yesterday. He drank a lot today and you could see him improving. It was a very stressful day because my daughter had her dancing concert. Parents of her school friend offered to pick her up and drop her back home for the concert, where their daughters would perform also. I am the type of mum that can’t stand it to not go and watch my daughter perform, so I would just come at 11 am until she had performed. I brought Jan’s daughter to a school friend for a playdate. Jan started to go to bed more (instead of sitting in the living room) and finally slept a bit better. This was so necessary and finally he managed to sleep more. During the day I called the practitioner and heard that it was perfect that he ate more and drank a lot and he didn’t need to come for an extra treatment this afternoon. It was just that I needed to pick up some sleeping remedy spray, which we both forgot about Thursday. That would help him sleep better. I took the girls out for a quick dinner at Subway this night. I explained them this was the best I could offer as a holiday dinner because we couldn’t leave Jan alone too long. They appreciated and enjoyed this dinner and thought it was good, considering the circumstances.
The nights were still very busy. Jan finally slept better and longer, but still made a lot of sounds with his throat when he was restless. Since Tuesday he had these ‘pictures and little movies’ in his mind and he still fought against them. He didn’t want to see them. He just wanted to sleep without them. I explained him that after so many nights and days of sleep, his brain hadn’t integrated all information it normally ‘saves’ at night in your mind. I told him he had to acknowledge these pictures and movies, and just let them pass. They will integrate then and be ‘saved’ in his mind, and after that, sleep will follow. I had to breathe with him to help him see the pictures and movies in his mind and to stay calm while letting them pass. And then he fell asleep again. Also he woke up many times to go to the toilet and he needed help to do that. This meant I still didn’t sleep a lot. I fell asleep easily (thank you angels!) but my sleep was interrupted heaps of times during a night.
Sunday it was all still very well with Jan drinking a lot, but eating stayed difficult. Swallowing was hard and I wouldn’t advise someone to see him eating, because most people would be afraid to watch it. I can handle it but if I really think about it, it’s not something you would choose to witness. Jan’s friend, who works in hospital, came over with some appliances. I finally could shower Jan in a special chair, because he was too weak to stand in the shower. I washed him so far with a face washer while sitting or lying in bed. He loved the shower and felt refreshed afterwards. I told him he had to eat more because his body needs that and we managed to get him eat a bit more. At night he even went to the toilet (with the wheelchair we got to use now) and we witnessed the detox process going on there. Amazing with so little food. The body started working again! I noticed this night that I could sleep while standing, when I was waiting for Jan. And when I waited in bed while he was in the bathroom, I asked the angels to keep me awake to hear when he was ready. I told Jan to tick 3x on the wall when he was ready, because we didn’t want to wake up my daughter.
Monday morning started wrong. Jan had slept very well, although he had to go to the bathroom a lot of times. He ate a little bit, but he felt he had to throw up again. And he did. I saw it definitely wasn’t food, but more the same as Tuesday last week. I realised this must be the body detoxing with the help of the naturopathic drops. Nothing to be afraid of. I checked this with the practitioner and got it confirmed. I assume lots of people would freak out of what I saw, but I remained calm. Sometimes it’s handy to be claircognizant (clear knowing). Jan is very weak at the moment, and sleeping the whole day. He still can suddenly have the fast breathing and restlessness and he yells my name then to come and help him. He totally leans on me, but I can handle it so far. I ask the universe several times a day to help me to handle the situation, to provide me with energy and helpful people. This week we only have my daughter at home, so it’s a matter of arranging playdates outside the house for her. We live from day to day, and I don’t know how long it’ll take Jan to be able to move around himself again. At the moment he has painful hands and feet. And he still is very emotional. I talked with him about putting my side of the story what’s going on in our lives on internet, and he agreed to do that. It really feels that it’s time to share with the world how health can be a battle. That faith is the only thing that’ll get you through it. That it can also be a battle with yourself. With your beliefs and emotions and dark side. Jan’s health looks to me like a huge battle. He’s getting there, but he had to go really deep. I assume not everyone could handle this. And I think because of my great connection to the universe, I am still handling it all. This weekend I said as a joke, that I can apply for a nurse quite soon with my new experiences. Jan answered that he really appreciates everything I do and with tears in my eyes I replied: “That’s what we agreed to in our marriage, remember? We said it’s normal to take care of each other, also when it’s difficult. We can handle everything together, because you’re my true love and I won’t let you go!” I have the confirmation via mediums that Jan and I will have a long time before us to live together, so the sun is shining somewhere in the future for Jan’s health. It’s a matter of living day by day and we’ll find out when the day is that we celebrate his perfect health! What keeps me going right now? The picture in my mind where Jan, our daughters and I are standing in the sea in summertime, where we wait for a huge wave to come. Then we dive all four at the same time under this wave and we jump up afterwards with full excitement. Can you see this picture too now? Please send all your love, healing, light, blessings and angelic help to Jan to recover to perfect health. Light a candle for him. And help us manifest our dream by visualising my picture of us four diving in the waves.
Thank you to all the people so far who helped us the last week and who have planned to help us this week. We couldn’t do without your help and we appreciate all your help. It’s great to know we’re not alone in this and it’s amazing how helpful you all are. Thank you, thank you, thank you.